Many Paths

Small Steps

This path is not for the weary and not for the faint of heart. Its for the lone wolf, the traveler, the strong one.

The Lone Wolf and Cub is one of my favourite stories, and hugely influenced Star Wars and most recently The Mandalorian.

It depicts the Shogun’s Assassin, wandering the countryside with his infant son. What transpires on the assassin’s road is death and bloodshed, but also the tender relationship between father and son. (I’ll do a deep dive in a future post)

The route I took to becoming a counsellor and therapist, was one of many twists and turns. My search for knowledge and self-awareness directed me towards Counselling and Psychotherapy. I’ve always been interested in understanding people and the role of communication within relationships. Being able to communicate with people of different backgrounds, ages, classes, genders etc. is a strength I’ve subconsciously developed over many years. Previously working as a dietitian, in retail, as a youth project worker and in the music industry I learned to be flexible and adapt to challenging circumstances or unpredictable situations.

As a black man growing up in the UK, I’m regularly faced with stereotypes and prejudice, but this has also led me to be less judgmental and have a greater understanding of others. My experiences have driven me to become involved in issues and causes I feel passionate about, such as supporting those facing emotional difficulties, diversity challenges, and men’s health & well-being.

Over the past few years, I’ve been encouraged by the shift in attitude towards talking therapies, counselling and wellbeing in general. There is still a long way to go, but there appear to be small steps being made to remove the stigma, embarrassment and vulnerability of seeking support.

For men in particular, seeking help has often been associated with weakness and vulnerability. There are many misconceptions and stereotypes surrounding men's mental health and how these can influence whether or not men seek help.

One thing that’s often stood out to me is the idea that "men don't cry." Society often teaches men that showing emotions is a sign of weakness, so many might avoid expressing their feelings or asking for help, worried they'll be seen as less masculine. This ties into another stereotype that says "real men don't ask for help." The belief here is that seeking help makes men look dependent or inadequate, which can stop them from reaching out for support when they need it. There’s often pressure to handle everything on our own.

Then there's the expectation that "men should be tough." Men are supposed to be resilient and stoic, so they might ignore or hide their struggles. Unfortunately, this often leads to delaying help until things become really serious. Closely related is the idea that "mental health equals weakness." Many people view mental health challenges as a personal failure, or as admitting defeat, preventing us from reaching out even when it's really necessary. I also thought about how as men, we are often expected or feel more comfortable expressing emotions through anger rather than vulnerability. This idea that "anger is the only acceptable emotion" can lead men to bottle up other feelings, which might come out as aggression. This makes it harder to seek help healthily

Similarly, sometimes there's a belief that "men should solve problems alone." Independence is highly valued, which is fine and has its place, but when asking for help is seen as weak, it can create problems. This mindset can be overwhelming, forcing us to face challenges on our own, leading to further struggles.

Men face specific mental health challenges that are often shaped by societal expectations, stereotypes, and unique stressors. While mental health issues can affect anyone, these factors can create distinct problems for men. One of the most concerning challenges (particularly in Scotland and the UK)  is the higher suicide rates among men compared to women. The pressure to conform to traditional male stereotypes, combined with societal expectations, can contribute significantly to this issue. Addressing this requires fostering open conversations about mental health, reducing the stigma around seeking help, and ensuring that mental health support is both accessible and effective.

ANDYSMANCLUB are a men’s suicide prevention charity, offering free-to-attend peer-to-peer support groups across the United Kingdom and online. They want to end the stigma surrounding men’s mental health and help men through the power of conversation. #ITSOKAYTOTALK

Substance abuse is another issue that disproportionately affects men. Men can be more prone to using substances as a way to cope with stress or the pressures of masculinity. I remember moving to Edinburgh many years ago and was taken aback by the gravity of the drinking culture. Growing up in England, drinking was certainly part of my experience, but the ‘Scots’ upped the ante - it’s there for every occasion! I’ll never forget going out one night, and deciding I wasn’t drinking. The repeated response I received was “Are you ok?!” and “Are you on medication?”.  That was many years ago now, and the new generation seems to be more focused on ‘fitness’ and ‘clean living’, but it’s still important to acknowledge the power of culture, promote awareness and challenge the stereotypes that link substance use with masculinity.

When it comes to emotions, we are often expected to internalise our feelings and as highlighted earlier - men may frequently express them through anger or aggression. This can lead to relationship problems and increased stress. Much of the work I promote, is encouraging men to find healthy outlets for emotional expression, promoting emotional intelligence, and challenging the idea that men should only express certain emotions. The pressure to conform to traditional male roles at work can lead to high levels of stress, which can take a toll on mental health. Implementing mental health programs in the workplace, encouraging a healthy work-life balance, and addressing toxic workplace cultures can help alleviate some of this stress.

Though tears can be hidden, all hearts break - Kazuo Koike

Through my work at Edinburgh Napier University, I’ve observed an increase in isolation and loneliness issues in students. Social expectations often discourage men from forming close emotional connections, which can lead to feelings of isolation. Creating supportive communities, fostering connections through group activities, and challenging societal norms that discourage emotional vulnerability can help men (and any individual) feel less isolated. Practicing martial arts, and specifically BJJ, has provided me was a source of support, connection and community.

Bullet Proof for BJJ - Discuss how the BJJ Community, Exercise and Friendships can make life worthwhile.

Another advocate is Daniel Straus and his ‘Raspberry Ape’ platform. He’s currently on a hiatus, but you can check out previous in-depth conversations on his podcast: RaspberryApe

One of the biggest barriers to addressing emotional health challenges is the reluctance to seek help. Societal norms often discourage men from asking for assistance, leading to delayed or inadequate mental health support. To change this, it’s crucial to promote mental health awareness campaigns tailored to men, reduce the stigma around seeking help, and provide easily accessible and confidential support options. The issue of limited emotional expression plays a major role in men’s mental health. Traditional gender norms often discourage men from expressing a full range of emotions, leading to emotional suppression. Promoting emotional literacy and encouraging open expression through education and awareness campaigns can help break down these barriers.

I’ve always been intrigued with mentality and mindset. Sports psychologists and coaches, often emphasise the importance of a strong mentality. In all levels of sport, but particularly elite level, margins for success are tiny. Physical conditioning, strength and endurance are essential, but once a baseline is met, this is where the  ‘mental’ elevates the individual.

Eighty Percent Mental is an excellent podcast which explores the mental side of sports performance.

The spirit of a warrior resides in his unwavering resolve. - Lone Wolf and Cub Vol.1

Culture and upbringing shape the way men view and handle mental health. It’s clear that various cultural and societal factors, along with family upbringing, have a huge influence on how men express their emotions, seek help, and deal with mental health challenges. If we want to encourage more open discussions about mental health within different communities, we need to recognize and address these cultural influences.

For example, in some cultures, there’s a strong stigma attached to mental health issues, often seen as a source of shame or weakness. Stereotypes about masculinity can also make it even harder for men to talk openly about their struggles. To tackle this, we need to challenge these cultural stigmas through education, awareness campaigns, and by highlighting positive role models who openly address their mental health.

The way cultures emphasize collectivism or individualism also plays a role. In collectivist cultures, people might be discouraged from talking about personal struggles because it could be seen as disrupting the group harmony. On the other hand, individualistic cultures might push men towards extreme self-reliance, making them less likely to seek help. It’s important to find a balance, encouraging individuals to seek help while still valuing community support.

Traditional gender roles add another layer of complexity. In cultures with rigid gender roles, men are often expected to conform to a certain image of masculinity, which can limit their emotional expression. Does this mean we can’t be strong, independent or assertive? No, but I think we also need to advocate for more inclusion and flexibility, challenging the stereotypes that prevent men from being open about their feelings, and promoting a broader view of what it means to be masculine.

Family dynamics also shape attitudes towards mental health. Depending on how a man was raised, his family might have either perpetuated stigmas or encouraged open communication. Promoting open discussions, it’s essential to develop mental health initiatives that are culturally sensitive and tailored to specific communities. This means considering language, cultural norms, and values. Engaging community leaders, religious figures, and influencers to advocate for mental health can also make a big difference, as their voices carry a lot of weight in shaping community attitudes. Media representation is another powerful tool—advocating for accurate and diverse portrayals of mental health in TV, films, and online can challenge stereotypes and promote a better understanding of mental well-being.

When we see relatable figures sharing their mental health journeys, it can encourage us to open up as well. Acknowledging cultural contexts, encouraging dialogue, and challenging stigmas are crucial steps in creating a more supportive environment for everyone’s mental well-being.

Intersectionality is a vital lens through which to understand mental well-being. It emphasizes the interconnectedness of social identities and the influence of power structures on mental health outcomes. By considering intersectionality we can work towards more inclusive and equitable approaches to promoting mental well-being for all.

“This idea that we all have the same life is false. Race, Class, and Gender come together to shape the life chances of people in very different ways.” – Kimberle Crenshaw

There are numerous complexities, challenges, and solutions surrounding men's mental health. From debunking stigmas to exploring coping strategies and fostering supportive communities. By sharing my thoughts and creating an open platform for conversation, I hope to break some barriers, share stories, and create a space where openness and understanding thrive. I don’t believe there is only one way…as my dad used to tell me,

There are many paths to the top of the mountain.